


Maureen Ponderosa Is Dead

by Frankenmacchardee



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Gen, Humor, Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer, Missing Scene, POV Alternating, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:14:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frankenmacchardee/pseuds/Frankenmacchardee
Summary: Missing scene of the gang finding out that Maureen Ponderosa was dead, beginning the idea of Charlie and Mac’s documentary.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly & Mac McDonald & Dee Reynolds & Dennis Reynolds & Frank Reynolds
Kudos: 3





	Maureen Ponderosa Is Dead

“I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s just a red hat.” Charlie mumbled, almost unintelligibly, due to a mouthful of alley nuts.

“What? No, Charl- That’s not-“ Dee spluttered with exasperation. “He shouldn’t wear it in here because it says Make America Great Again, not because it’s red!” she squawked, angrily gesturing to the hat resting on Frank’s head. 

Charlie turned to look at Frank’s hat, absolutely aghast. “What the hell, Frank, seriously?!” Charlie exclaimed, reaching to snatch the hat from Frank. Dee proudly smiled, relieved that Charlie was going to back her up for once. 

“What, you really believe that liberal bullshit?” Frank muttered, batting Charlie’s hand away like one of the many cats he gets followed by. 

“Liberal bullshit, are you kidding me?! Take it off!” Charlie yelled, successfully yanking it from Frank’s head. Dee smugly narrowed her eyes at Frank. “I can’t believe you’d wear this shit, man, I’m disappointed in you. America’s already great!” Charlie angrily tossed the hat onto the floor and then spat on it.

“Goddamn it, Charlie! _That’s_ why you’re mad?! Because the hat said America isn’t already great?!” Dee yelled in disbelief, wondering why she ever believed that Charlie could defend her in an argument to begin with. 

The bar doors burst open and Mac flounced in, holding a newspaper. “Guys, guys, guys! I have news, I have amaaazing news!” he cheerily announced. He then slammed the newspaper onto the bar, showing the front page. They all gathered around to read it, including Charlie for some reason. 

“Holy shit...” Dee whispered. “Maureen Ponderosa’s dead.” 

“Oh.” Charlie chirped, he’d been extremely confused up until now. “Did Dennis do it?” he casually asked, shoving some more alley nuts into his mouth. 

“Who gives a shit.” Frank replied, opening the newspaper up to read something that was actually interesting.

“Come on, Frank, have some respect. A woman lost her life.” Dee disapprovingly shook her head. She then turned to Mac, finally processing his theatrical entrance. “How is this amazing news?!” Dee snapped. 

Obviously it was amazing news because now Dennis didn’t have to pay Maureen alimony, and anything that made Dennis’ life easier made Mac’s easier too. Duh. Mac shoved his hand over Dee’s face and pushed past her to get behind the bar. “Shut up, bird.” The other guys laughed as if that was the funniest thing anyone had ever said, in the history of humanity.

“Good one!” Charlie leaned over the bar to high-five Mac, accidentally spilling his beer all over Dee. None of them but Dee noticed. She clenched her jaw and began to wipe the beer from her shirt, fantasizing about murdering them all. 

“Thanks, bro. He totally coulda done it though, I think he did it.” Mac declared with a grin, as if murdering your ex wife was the coolest thing on Earth. “She was, like, legally a cat anyway. It totally doesn’t even, like, count as murder, me and Charlie used to kill cats all the time.” he enthusiastically blabbered.

“Naaah, well, we threw rocks at ‘em.” Charlie set the record straight. They weren’t cat murderers - they just enjoyed throwing rocks at them as a childhood pastime, there was nothing wrong with that.

Those were the good old days. “Yeah, they definitely died sometimes though.” Mac apologetically replied. He’d already cleared that sin with the big man upstairs, but Charlie was definitely going to hell. It was the cats’ fault that they let the rocks injure them anyway, Poppins would’ve survived just fine. 

“Holy shit, really?! Is that why they follow me and break into my apartment?!” Charlie ran a hand through his hair, stressed by this knowledge. The cats were haunting him.

“Nah, dude, that’s ‘cause of the cat food.”

The cat murdering chatter awoke a memory in Dee, a memory that she had nightmares about. She could still hear the crows’ necks snapping. “Oh my god, guys, I just remembered something. You know how they say serial killers start off killing animals and shit? When we were ki-“

“Oh my god, get to the point!” Mac roared.

“Ugh! Jesus Christ, Dee! Hurry up!” Charlie shouted.

“Get on with it, Deandra.” Frank ordered, not looking up from the newspaper. There was a picture of a big titted woman. 

“Goddamn it!” Dee screeched, aggressively throwing the dish cloth back into the sink. “Goddamn you guys! Why can’t you let me say just _one goddamn thing_ without you interrup-“

“Heyooo!” Dennis exclaimed, practically dancing into the bar. Charlie, Dee, Mac, and Frank all froze, looking incredibly suspicious. Dennis stopped his fun entrance, and cautiously sauntered in instead. “What?”

Charlie pounced up from his seat and immediately changed his posture, snapping into lawyer mode. “Dennis, I want to help you here but I can’t do that unless you’re honest with me... I’ll be the best goddamn defence there ever was, the persecution won’t stand a chance! Now tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth - did you or did you not kill Maureen Ponderosa?!” he passionately interrogated, reaching for spectacles that weren’t there. Nobody had given him advanced warning about this, his lawyering outfit was at home.

“Maureen’s...” Dennis paused to place a hand to his mouth, as if he was too devastated to finish his sentence. “...dead?” he finally whimpered, his bottom lip wobbling. The gang all stared at him, clearly not buying his emotion. Dennis sighed and let his true, emotionless expression show. “Fine. Okay, yes, I’m happy Maureen is dead... but I didn’t murder her, nobody did, and I’m certain the security footage will corroborate that story...” Dennis monotonously murmured, staring into the distance. 

That response was more disturbing than an outright confession. Mac and Charlie instantly looked each other in the eye, sharing a genius idea for the next big documentary. They yelled garbled goodbyes as they scrambled to exit the bar, Charlie pickpocketing Frank’s wallet as they left. Dee nearly got knocked off her feet by Mac’s sudden rush, spilling even more beer over her. “Goddamn it!” 


End file.
